True intimacy

  In the years i've had lots of people come and go in my life. I have moved houses a lot, went to all kinds of different churches, had personal hardship witch alienated me from close people and failed (and was failed by) several people. Reading the bible i always had this strong conviction that relationship is somehow key to a fulfilling life, but in the disappointments and chaos of my life's journey I never fully grasped intimacy and friendship. Some people around me did but for years i missed the point. In my early adulthood years i started to believe that i don't truly need people. Sure, it's nice to have people around but i'm fine if they're not around. In the end, God is all i truly need and I have a wonderful wife, i don't need more than this. 

Before i embraced this conviction i used to feel alone a lot. When i convinced myself i don't truly need anything from people the loneliness went away and i felt some kind of peace. I taught myself that i might not be able to receive from people, but that doesn't mean i can't give. So I indulged myself in ministry and prayer, always focussing on other people, like a true christian. I saw all kinds of people receive wonderful things, it was great. Until something in me snapped.

It rose in me like a tide, a deep anger. 'Everyone seems to receive something from me but nobody sees me and what I need'. At first, i tried to suppress this anger but it came to a point that i couldn't anymore, my soul and spirit cried out, 'I can't go on like this'. So I got angry, angry at people, and angry at God, but what I didn't see was that the only person to blame for me not being seen was me.

At this point God took me on a little journey through my heart. He showed me that I didn't show myself to people because I feared their judgment, rejection and because i didn't want them to see me for who I really am. I couldn't expect from people that if I told them my needs they would care enough for me to meet them. I hid from myself and in hiding from myself made myself invisible to the people around me. He showed me I could expect things from the people around me for myself, if only I could believe people wouldn't abandon me and cared for me. This was hard because i have been hurt and disappointed by several people in my life. The true conviction I believed wasn't so much that i don't need people, it was that nobody would eventually stick around, so i would be better off not letting them enter my heart in a meaningful way. In the end I'd have to take care for my self wether I wanted it or not.

When i grasped the error in my thinking and God healed the pain in my heart i could open up. I learned I have a lot more to give now that I'm able to receive. I also learned that being able to receive is vital to any kind of deep and meaningful relationship. It also means that i opened myself to the possibility of being hurt again. You can't do one without the other. For myself, i made the conscious  choice that I wanted people to be able to hurt me, because now I see, i truly do need people and if it doesn't hurt when they don't stick around I would have closed my heart for all the beauty and love they could give me. 

Intimacy has been a core theme in my life, I hope to write more in the future about how God changed me and what it means to truly connect with people.

Unapologetic

 One of the greatest losses in the Garden of Eden was humanity's loss of innocence. When God called Adam and Eve they hid in fear, covering their bodies with leafs to hide themselves. Such a stark contrast with Jesus, who carried all the sins of humanity bare naked on a cross, visible for all to see, unapologetic, yet judged by all who where watching.

The way of sin is judgement and fear, one leads to cover yourself up, the other leads to hide yourself. I strongly desire for the church to get the deep revelation this entails. If we are truly free there is nothing to hide and nothing to cover up. No fear and no judgment. It is heartbreaking to me that the church is a place where we need to hide and cover ourselves. Most of the times people don't even realize they are doing it.  Jesus did not only pay for our sins, he restored the innocence of all who follow him. This is what it truly means to become like little children. We can be so safe in God that we are no longer afraid of darkness, pain and evil. This is Gods gift to us, to live your lives unafraid of your desires, consequence's and failures. To be unapologetic in everything you do because fear and judgement are far behind you. God is your refuge. Sadly we can hardly believe this for ourselves, let alone for our brothers and sisters. And in this unbelief we cling to our sinful nature because we think we have to fight it. We even think God demands it from us to fight it. If only we could grasp the richness of the renewed man that was resurrected with Christ. Not on the day of judgment but the day you became born again. The true outrageousness of the cross is not just the forgiveness of sins, not even the restoration to the state of Adam and Eve. It is the fact that humanity is richer than it has ever been. We still know good and evil through mans first sin, but true goodness has been given to us, while knowing good and evil, our childlike innocence has been restored. So we should be fearless, unapologetic, wild and free, leaving the wisdom and judgment of religion behind us to become something new. Not servants, but a bride. How could we ever be a bride to christ if we can't leave our fear of sin behind? God trusts us so much that we are to mary his Son in the future and are one with the Holy Spirit in the present. Truly, what does this say about you? Trow away the leafs that cover your shame and walk unapologetic without fear that your desires will lead you astray, because if you do, and you stop hiding, God will show up and walk with you just like he did with Adam and Eve. He will protect you from evil desires and darkness. Everything that is uncovered is his. 

For this reason we should never put to shame a brother or sister who wholeheartedly and sincerely tries to walk with God. Because if we do, we will scare them in the bushes and make them cover their intimate parts. it's so easy to judge the free. I would like to encourage you all to be intimate with God and with each other, to throw away the leaves that cover you and come out of hiding. To be spiritually naked and have fellowship with Him and each other. Let us truly be like children.