True intimacy

  In the years i've had lots of people come and go in my life. I have moved houses a lot, went to all kinds of different churches, had personal hardship witch alienated me from close people and failed (and was failed by) several people. Reading the bible i always had this strong conviction that relationship is somehow key to a fulfilling life, but in the disappointments and chaos of my life's journey I never fully grasped intimacy and friendship. Some people around me did but for years i missed the point. In my early adulthood years i started to believe that i don't truly need people. Sure, it's nice to have people around but i'm fine if they're not around. In the end, God is all i truly need and I have a wonderful wife, i don't need more than this. 

Before i embraced this conviction i used to feel alone a lot. When i convinced myself i don't truly need anything from people the loneliness went away and i felt some kind of peace. I taught myself that i might not be able to receive from people, but that doesn't mean i can't give. So I indulged myself in ministry and prayer, always focussing on other people, like a true christian. I saw all kinds of people receive wonderful things, it was great. Until something in me snapped.

It rose in me like a tide, a deep anger. 'Everyone seems to receive something from me but nobody sees me and what I need'. At first, i tried to suppress this anger but it came to a point that i couldn't anymore, my soul and spirit cried out, 'I can't go on like this'. So I got angry, angry at people, and angry at God, but what I didn't see was that the only person to blame for me not being seen was me.

At this point God took me on a little journey through my heart. He showed me that I didn't show myself to people because I feared their judgment, rejection and because i didn't want them to see me for who I really am. I couldn't expect from people that if I told them my needs they would care enough for me to meet them. I hid from myself and in hiding from myself made myself invisible to the people around me. He showed me I could expect things from the people around me for myself, if only I could believe people wouldn't abandon me and cared for me. This was hard because i have been hurt and disappointed by several people in my life. The true conviction I believed wasn't so much that i don't need people, it was that nobody would eventually stick around, so i would be better off not letting them enter my heart in a meaningful way. In the end I'd have to take care for my self wether I wanted it or not.

When i grasped the error in my thinking and God healed the pain in my heart i could open up. I learned I have a lot more to give now that I'm able to receive. I also learned that being able to receive is vital to any kind of deep and meaningful relationship. It also means that i opened myself to the possibility of being hurt again. You can't do one without the other. For myself, i made the conscious  choice that I wanted people to be able to hurt me, because now I see, i truly do need people and if it doesn't hurt when they don't stick around I would have closed my heart for all the beauty and love they could give me. 

Intimacy has been a core theme in my life, I hope to write more in the future about how God changed me and what it means to truly connect with people.